Oh, How my Heart Hurts
It's that time of year again folks. The time of year that bring back all of the feelings, good ones and bad ones. The time of year where we should be celebrating 2 Birthdays, not just 1. The time of year where I feel like a complete fraud, for remembering our anniversary with love when the reality was far, far different. For feeling like a complete failure, because I took our love for granted, and I should have been so incredibly grateful for what we had. The time of year when everything is so much harder than it should be. It's harder to be happy, it's harder to forgive, it's harder to let go of the guilt, it's harder to let go of the shame, it's harder to be nice to people, it's harder to talk to people, It's just harder.
Tomorrow is (was) our 14 year wedding anniversary (or today if you are waking up and reading this in the morning). I feel uncomfortable remembering this, I feel like a fraud celebrating what was so clearly one of my biggest failures. But I do celebrate it. I have every right to celebrate it because we were happy once. We weren't happy at the end. No-one is to blame, there are 3 sides to every story... my side, his side and the truth. If I knew now what I know then... wait, that's not it... If I knew then what I know now, would things have been different?
If I knew then what I know now, I would not have been the same person, we would never have met, I would be blissfully unaware but then I would never have known him. It's better to have loved. It's better to have loved, and royally screwed things up. It's better to have loved, imperfectly than to have perfectly never loved at all. If I could go back would I do things differently? Of course I would.
I can never go back, and I'm at peace with that. You can't change the events in your life that have already happened, you can learn from those events and make damn sure you don't make the same mistakes over and over. If you find yourself stuck in a loop, going back to the same types of relationships over and over, then you still have something to learn. When bad things happen, ask yourself, what is the Universe trying to show me? What do I need to learn from this?
Well, I've finally got it figured out. Actually, that's a lie. I have nothing figured out, making me feel like even more of a fraud. How am I supposed to heal the world, when I can't even heal myself. I am broken, battered, bruised. I am tired, so very tired. That is this week, next week I will pick up the pieces and live another year.
Live. Another. Year.
That's the key, living. Not just surviving one day at a time. Truly living. Enjoying life to it's fullest. Trying new things. I will not waste what life I have left dwelling on mistakes and failures, I will take what I am learning and grow so fricken hard, and I will help those along the way that need it. Just ask, I'm here to help.
Living. All of the Years.
*in memory of Clint Brown 27/07/1981 - 08/08/2008
